Jake Iannarino

Comedian | Actor | Improvisational Artist | Hellion

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No More Crack!

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Not to rub your noses in it but we are six days into 2016 and I still have not yet once broken my resolution of smoking crack cocaine. Not once. Feels pretty good. Wait. No. That’s not right. I made a resolution TO smoke crack cocaine. Damn, I’m really doing a bad job come to think of it. I better make a note to myself to go buy some crack. I really hate going back on a New Years resolution.

My Christmas didn’t get off to a great start but then it got better. It started off with a tasteless gift. Some smart ass got me a blow up doll. I was pissed. I already had that exact model at home. So I made lemons out of lemonade and went back to my place and had a threesome. It ended up being awesome.

I guess life is what you make of it.

Anyway I just wanted to take a minute today to ask you to help me out. If you like the blog, or enjoy my comedy, please subscribe and maybe tell a friend about it.

It’s going to be a big year! i have a lot of surprises and cool shit in store for you! So please subscribe to me on my youtube channel for comedy videos. I just shot a new series of videos and I will be posting them soon. You can do that here:

www.youtube.com/user/iannarino007

Also please follow me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/jakeiannarino/

and twitter: @iannarino007

Thanks for your support!

 

“All You Need is a Chip and a Chair”

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If you ever watch professional poker tournaments on television you might have seen someone nursing a small stack of chips and in big trouble. It’s right about then that you hear one of the announcers say “He’s got a short stack, but all you need is a chip and a chair!”

It’s an interesting saying. I found out that this saying was created because of a man named Jack Straus. Jack Straus was a professional poker player that won the World Series of Poker back in 1982. At one point in the tournament, Jack had gotten a bad run of cards and ended up with just one chip left. The other poker players joked with him about it and everyone pretty much wrote him off. They were all sure that Straus could not come back and win with only one chip left. He was done for.

Or so they thought. Jack was indeed in trouble. But did he give up? NO. He refused to give up. He refused to fail. He didn’t get rattled. He played his game and he ended up coming back to win the most high profile poker tournament on the entire planet. He earned his World Series gold bracelet and joined an elite class of players. Why? Because he never gave up. Things may have looked bad when he looked down at that pitiful looking little lonely ass chip. But he had been in games before where things looked bad and he had turned it around. He knew that even though he had just one chip, HE WAS STILL IN THE GAME.

So just remember that when things look bad, you are still here. You are still breathing. You still have a heart beating in your chest. You still have a chip! You are still in the game, baby!! You can still turn things around and win!

So the next time things look bad for you, and you think your life is over, the next time you feel that all hope is lost, the next time, God forbid you feel suicidal…  just remember Ol’ Jack Straus. The man who the phrase was named after.

ALL YOU NEED IS A CHIP AND A CHAIR.

 

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Merry Christmas

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I still say “Merry Christmas.” I know that’s politically incorrect and everything, but I’m old school. I say it and I don’t care who it offends. What’s with these people that are offended by Christmas? It’s Christmas! It’s awesome! It’s presents, and family, and food, and remembering the teachings of Jesus. Who can hate all that? Why don’t you hate puppies and rainbows while you are busy hating Christmas? It’s like hating LOVE or something.

I refuse to say “Happy Holidays” too. happy holidays is for sissies and Europeans. If a jewish person says Happy Hanukah i don’t freak out. Or if a muslim says Happy Ramadan I don’t get upset. Fuck these people that get offended. If these people are so offended then they shouldn’t get the day off. All of you people that get offended by Christmas should have to work on that day. We can’t be giving them Christmas off… that would be too offensive.

Anyway, Merry Christmas everybody. if that offends you then Happy Go Fuck Yourself!

Bacon is Life

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I’m sick and tired of bacon getting a bum rap.

I read a study recently that says bacon is bad for you. Oh gee, what a study! You know what? I’m sick of bacon getting such a bum rap. People need to stop talking shit about it. Bacon is the greatest. Stupid scientists! Go study cancer or something important. No, they did a “study” on bacon. I got a study for ya. Why don’t you do a study on why scientists are studying BACON and not something IMPORTANT. Like Multiple Sclerosis  or why people like techno music. There’s a mystery for you.

My Grandmother ate bacon twice a day she lived to be 175 years old. Next thing ya know they will tell ya that FUN is bad for me. I just read an article that said hot dogs are bad for you also. Boulderdash. I been eating hotdogs forever. I’m alive! You know what I do? I take hot dogs, and I wrap them in bacon.  YOLO.

These people are destroying our country with their stupid attacks on bacon. If ISIS ever catches me and says they will kill me if I do not submit, I’d let them kill me. I could never be in any religion that is not down with bacon. They must be out of their minds. What kind of people hate BACON?? I’d say “Call me Ichabod Crane then. Go ahead and chop my head off.” And then I’d pray someone came along and stuffed bacon down my bloody hole. Because I love it. I will never turn my back on bacon. Bacon is what life is all about. you have to enjoy yourself, folks. And if you are not eating bacon, believe me, you are not enjoying yourself.

 

A Holiday Tip

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Here is a quick holiday tip.

It’s a beautiful day when you take the wife or girlfriend and kids to go pick out a Christmas tree. You cant beat the excited feeling you get when you get home and cut the string so that you can pull the tree off of the car’s roof and carry it into the house. Before you do, make sure you go to the bathroom. I learned this the hard way. It ends up that those Christmas trees are covered in a sticky sap. Super sticky. As in “you can wash your hands thirty seven times and they will still be sticky as hell” sticky. I tried everything. Alcohol, Lava soap. Everything. My hands were still sticky. Then I went to go take a piss and my dick got stuck to my hand. Do you know how embarrassing it is to have to call 911 to tell them that your dick is stuck to your hand? Well it isn’t fun. I can tell you that.

So before you pull that tree off of your car’s roof and into the house… GO TO THE BATHROOM.

You’re welcome everybody! And Merry Christmas!

The Camel Toe Heckler

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I did a stand up gig with my friend Homer Hodge not too long ago. He is a good guy that does a lot of charity work to raise money for kids. I helped him out on one of his fundraising projects one night and I decided to bring my uncle Larry with me. Larry is a mean son of a gun when it comes to playing guitar, singing, son writing, acting, comedy, and just about any kind of creative work. At the end of my show sometimes Larry and I will pull the guitars out and play a few tunes. People seem to really like it.

A lot of fun things happened that night and I caught them on camera so I decided to share it. I caught a minute or two of Larry playing a beautiful song he wrote during sound check which was pretty cool, and I also got some footage of something that went down between me and a member of the audience that decided to heckle me by yelling out that he thought I had a camel toe. Which is weird, because I do, but how did he know? I was wearing baggy pants. Did he have X ray vision? I’m not sure. Anyway, here is a clip from that fun night down in southern Ohio:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WozgDDX9B34

I hope you enjoy it!

Christmas for Cambodia

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Ok here it is. I have a friend named Greg James who has a heart of gold. He spends a lot of time traveling as a professional photographer. He shoots celebrities like J-Lo for example on a regular basis. A few years back, he took a trip to Southeast Asia and fell in love with the country. He was disturbed though. He noticed crippling poverty and a high number of orphans that have no money, food, or much of anything. That’s when Greg decided that he wanted to make a difference.

As a comedian/actor I get to travel to a lot of amazing places and I can tell you that I personally have been to Cambodia and seen exactly what Greg was talking about when he said that there were people there that needed help. Our poverty in the United States is a cakewalk compared to the poverty there. They do need help.

So here is your chance to make a real difference. Greg is spending December in Cambodia and he has raised enough money to buy clothes and toys for a huge number of these kids this holiday season. Greg  James is taking donations large and small and he will send you something cool back. You have my word that Greg James will spend every penny on the kids and he’s even in the middle of helping to open a school over there to teach these kids English. English is a one way ticket out of poverty to a youth in Cambodia. Any donation makes a huge difference because the dollar is strong in Cambodia and you can rest easy knowing that you did a good deed.

You can contact Greg James at GregJamesPhotographer@gmail.com

Here is his webpage: http://www.gregjamesphoto.com

Here is how you can add him on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Greg-James-Photographer-261917973849925/

Please help if you can. He’s a good dude doing a good deed.

 

 

The Magical Comedy Club

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I have a real love hate relationship with Los Angeles. It’s hard not to. It’s a bittersweet town. The kind of place where you can feel 100 feet tall one minute and an inch tall the next. You might sign a deal and get famous enough to buy a brand new Cadillac. But when you go to drive it the next day don’t be surprised  if some homeless crackhead took a shit on it.

One night you might look up at the stars on the beaches of Malibu and have a genuine moment of enlightenment. The next night you might find yourself being stabbed by a guy with tattoos on his face. You just never know! But over all, it’s an incredible town where you really do never know what’s going to happen next.

Tonight was a good night. I was shooting a project at a club called The Comedy and Magic Club in Hermosa Beach. The name is fitting because it really is a magical place. Right off the beach. You can see the water from the club. Classy place too. Always a good lineup of comedians and has great food and drinks. I could not believe I was getting paid to be there. On top of that, the shoot went GREAT and my friend Michael Loftus KILLED IT on stage. We were taping an episode of his show “The Flip Side with Michael Loftus” and the crowd was on fire. So was Loftus. Some of the most well written material I’ve ever seen a comedian do onstage and I’m not just saying that because I helped write and produce it. I mean it, man. I met some cool new people along the way.

There are a lot of things not to be missed if you are visiting Los Angeles. The Walk of Fame, the Hollywood Sign, the freaks on Venice Beach, DisneyLand, Mercado Restaurant, the Chinese Theater, Santa Monica 3rd Street Promenade, Zuma Beach, I could go on and on. Well, go ahead and put the Comedy and Magic Club in Hermosa on that list.

I had a blast! Tonight was one of the good nights in Los Angeles.

 

McGregor vs Aldo UFC:194

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Connor McGregor has been talking SO MUCH SHIT about Jose Aldo.  He talks so much shit that even Floyd Mayweather probably thinks “That dude needs to tone it down.” Although I must admit that it seems to me like every time McGregor talks shit… He backs it up.

However, I’m not convinced that he didn’t poke the bear one too many times. Aldo is no push over. In fact, HE’S AMAZING. He is a black belt in jiu jitsu and he has leg sweeps that could knock over a truck. Oh and he’s Brazilian.

“Jake, what does that have to do with anything?”

I’ll tell you what. Brazilians will kick your ass. Have you ever been to Brazil? They kick your ass like a handshake.

“Nice to meet you.”

Bang. You’re knocked out. Brazilians are MEAN, jack! Brazilians beat up other Brazilians in hopes that they don’t have to fight any more Brazilians. If you had a choice between fighting a Brazilian and oh, I don’t know, shoving a flaming pineapple up your ass… Go ahead and take choice number two.

Connor McGregor is tough. So is Aldo. I’m not sure who will win, but I’m leaning towards Aldo because he’s from Brazil. And with well thought out fight analysis like that, you should probably go put your life savings on my pick.

Los Angeles

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Things have been crazy. I’ve been spending the last few months in Los Angeles working on the Michael Loftus television project called “The Flip Side.”  The show is now on in over 200 markets across the United States including Dish network Family Entertainment as well as KDOC in Los Angeles. It’s all very exciting.

I also went on a stand up tour through Europe including stops in Bucharest Romania, Paris France, Amsterdam Netherlands, and Oslo Norway. It was an incredible experience, and I had an unbelievably good time. I shot some video that you can watch here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CQcUCS8Kjho

I’ll be shooting two episodes of “The Flip Side with Michael Loftus” in Los Angeles and then I fly off to do more stand up gigs. Stay tuned!