I was driving through Oklahoma. I was tired. I just did a string of stand up gigs and now I was road tripping from Los Angeles to Columbus Ohio and started off following Old Route 66. I stopped at a hotel. I paid for one night. I probably should have asked to look at the room first. I guess I also probably should have avoided a hotel on the corner of Crack Alley and Eightball Lane. As I pulled my bags out of the car I was greeted by a hooker. She was probably 475 years old. I think maybe her claim to fame was that she once blew Benjamin Franklin. I was only going to shower, sleep a few hours, and drive. I’ll ignore her and go to my room.
The room had a bad vibe. I cant explain it. My gut was telling me to leave immediately. But I didn’t want to listen. I wanted to sleep. I undressed and got in the shower before I noticed the blood stains. That’s right. blood stains on the wall. Was someone murdered in this bathroom?? Should I ask for some kind of price break for that kind of thing? I’m not sure. I turned on the hot water. A hot shower was definitely in order. The water dripped out. I’m not saying the water pressure is bad. No. I’m saying that there was no water pressure whatsoever. It was fine. I went with it. I sat under the lukewarm gentle stream of Oklahoma City water and did the best I could to get clean.
That’s when the neighbors started having sex. Not normal sex. Weird kind of awkward sex. Luckily it didn’t last long. The guy came quick and then through the paper thin walls I heard them solving the worlds problems by quoting their favorite hardcore metal songs. Maybe I should leave? I should leave, right? Nah. I’ll put on some soft music to drown them out and go to sleep. As soon as I check my email.
I turn on my computer and a cockroach crawled across my screen. Not just a normal sized cockroach. It was wearing the new Jordans. It had to be 6 foot two inches tall. Easy. It ran across the room. I threw a shoe at it and tried to kill it. It caught the shoe and threw it back. Hit me right in the face. That was the last straw.
I grabbed my bags and opened the front door just in time to see a pickup truck drive very slowly past with a greasy looking driver who instead of keeping his eye on the road, stared at me with a wild grin on his face as he passed by. I walked down and packed up my car and was immediately greeted by the 9000 year old hooker.
“Leaving already?” She said. “But for an extra twenty I can take my teeth out!”
I punched the gas pedal like Chris Brown punches a woman and I got my black ass on out of there.
Not thinking clearly I pulled onto the turnpike and drove a long ways. I wanted to get as far away from that place as possible. I drove to a little town in the country. It was 1 AM. I found an Econolodge in the middle of nowhere. My room was around the back of the building, where the woods are. Fine. I just needed to get some sleep. I walked around the corner and the next thing I knew I was face to face with a wolf. A WOLF. Not a dog. Not a coyote. A damn WOLF, brah.
We looked at each other for a long time. I wasn’t scared. I don’t think she was either. I felt like she was waiting for me to throw her some food, or pet her, or something. I’m not sure what. But I didn’t feel threatened. Then she turned and headed for the trees. She took one last look at me and disappeared into the woods.
I’d never been in the presence of a wild wolf before. I’m a city boy. This sort of thing doesn’t happen to me much. But there we were. It was a beautiful moment. If I were a man who believes that life gives you signs, I would think that that moment meant something. Maybe it did. I don’t know. But it was pretty cool. Oklahoma knocked me out with that one. And to think, I would have never seen her if I would have stayed and slept at the Old Hooker Cockroach Inn back in Oklahoma City.
I live for little moments like that moment I had with that wolf.